girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
