I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
