It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
