Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
