Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
