How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Randomize