i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
