if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
