I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
