i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
