I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
