Screwed.edu
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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