1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
