I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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