he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
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Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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