If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
