Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
last night I used snow as a chaser
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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