I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
