I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
