is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
