Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
