I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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