UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
