Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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