So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
