cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
