I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
