The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
