Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
