captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
