i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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