i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
