dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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