now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
