I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year