No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.