Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He has the fingertips of a God
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