I think I died a long time ago.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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