if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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