He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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