Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
