Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
