I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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