Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
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Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
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i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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