Define "chronic" masturbator.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
