Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
