But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
