Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
