Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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