I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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