Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
