Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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