I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
